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Humour - A Help In Healing

Fed up with his wife's nagging, Peter decided to take charge of his life.

"There are going to be some changes made," he announced to her. "You are going to grill me a porterhouse steak, medium rare. Tonight I am going to the opera - which you don't like - with some friends and enjoy a night out. And guess who is going to lay out my tux, shine my shoes and press my shirt?"

His wife stared at him for a long time and asked, "The undertaker?"

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A Seventeenth Century Nun's Prayer
Lord, Thou knowest better than I know myself that I am growing older and will some day be old. Keep me from the fatal habit of thinking I must say something on every subject and on every occasion. Release me from craving to straighten out everybody's affairs. Make me thoughtful but not moody; helpful but not bossy. With my vast store of wisdom, it seems a pity not to use it all, but Thou knowest Lord that I want a few friends at the end.

Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point. Seal my lips on my aches and pains. They are increasing, and love of rehearsing them is becoming sweeter as the years go by. I dare not ask for grace enough to enjoy the tales of other's pains, but help me to endure them with patience.

I dare not ask for improved memory, but for a growing humility and a lessening cocksureness when my memory seems to clash with the memories of others. Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be mistaken. Keep me reasonably sweet; I do not want to be a Saint - some of them are so hard to live with - but a sour old person is one of the crowning works of the devil. Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places, and talents in unexpected people. And, give me, O Lord, the grace to tell them so.

Amen

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather did . .
Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

A mother writing to her son:
Dear Boy,
Just a few lines to let you know I am still alive. I am writing this letter slowly because I know you cannot read fast. You won't know the house when you come home - we have moved. It was a lot of trouble moving. The most difficult thing was the bed. You see the man wouldn't let us take it in the taxi. It wouldn't have been too bad if your father hadn't been in it at the time. About your father he has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him, he is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister got herself engaged to that fellow she has been going with. He gave her a beautiful ring with three stones missing. Our neighbour the Kowalskis started to keep pigs, we got wind of it this morning. I got my appendix out and a new dishwasher put in.
There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in, but it isn't working too good. Last week, I put four shirts into it, pulled the chain and haven't seen the shirts since. Your little brother came home from school yesterday; all the boys in his school have new suits. We can't afford to buy him a new suit but we are going to buy him a new hat and let him look out the window. Your sister, Mary had a new baby this morning. I haven't heard yet whether it was a girl or a boy so I don't know whether you're an aunt or an uncle.
Your uncle Dick was drowned last week in a vat of moonshine in Two Hills, four of his friends tried to save him, but he fought them bravely off. We cremated his body and it took three days to put the fire out. Kate is now working in a factory in Edmonton. She has been there now for six weeks. I am sending her some clean underwear as she says she's been in the same shift since she started.
Your father didn't have much to drink last Christmas - I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer; it kept him going 'til New Year's day. I went to the Doctor on Thursday, your father came with me. The Dr. put a small glass tube in my mouth and told me not to open it up for ten minutes. Your father wanted to buy it from him.
It only rained twice last week. First for three days, then for four days. Monday was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg four times. We had a letter yesterday from the undertaker. He said if the first instalment isn't paid on your Grandmother's grave within seven days, up she come. I must close now because the plumber is coming to repair the pipe and there is a shocking smell.
Your loving mother.
P.S. I was going to send you $10,000 but I already sealed the envelope.

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back towards his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied...

"My wife's first husband."

Care Funeral Services
2676 Wilfert Road
Victoria , BC V9C 3V7
Phone: (250) 391-9696

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